When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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