the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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