I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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