Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
