i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
