We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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