Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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