JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
