Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
