Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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