two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
