his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry about my life...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
