I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
