you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
