Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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