thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
