So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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