I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
