So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
