Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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