so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
