Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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