i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A+ Viking dick
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
