these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
