My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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