i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
