Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
