So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
