How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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