I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize