Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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