I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
