the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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