The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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