spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
