People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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