I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
