Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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