Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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