Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
