You really coming over, don't trick.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
