theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just high enough for therapy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
