Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
