I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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