Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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