So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
