My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
