a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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