her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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