Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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