Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
