very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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