Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize