btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
