Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
