So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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