I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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