my vag is so smooth its legendary
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
