I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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