i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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