Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
