I just cut my nipple shaving
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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