dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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