Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
