Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
