Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
