So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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