If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
