Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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